Hi from Mexico City.
I’ve spent 2+ years sharing and recounting Levi’s life & medical journey on Caring Bridge. It’s been a cathartic, supportive outlet for us to share and connect with you. After Levi’s passing, I still feel compelled to share, but CB no longer feels like the right platform. So, I’m moving thoughts and updates on our journey here, to Substack.
It’s true. Levi’s short life and his passing in August has changed us both.
Living After Loss
It’s been almost 5 months since Levi transitioned. But in grief, time is an abstract concept. Days go on for years. Weeks happen in seconds. Millions of moments that could have been. The pain of all those missing moments is sharp. Its jagged edges meet my heart and take my breath away. I’m learning, that pain doesn't usually come in the “expected” moments - the ones we see portrayed in media. It’s the seemingly "mundane" moments catch you off guard and you fall apart as if it's day one.
I had one of those moments recently. We had invited neighbors over for a Good Bye party (more on that later). About 15 minutes before everyone arrived, I was putting away laundry. As a hung a sweater in my closet, my hand brushed another sweater. I felt something in the pocket of that sweater. When I reached in, I pulled out one of Levi's pacis - "pah" as he called it. That was a crushing moment. My mind immediately went into overdrive trying to remember the last time I wore that sweater. What our day was like. I picture us in our normal daily flow. Maybe we had a visitor and I took pah and put it in my pocket so he would be encouraged to interact more. Maybe we were about to eat. I can see him proudly climb into his highchair and pull the paci clip off his shirt to hand me, so he could eat. When he was ready to have it back, he'd say "Me pah" and put his little hand to his chest while he looked at me.
Those tiny moments are so easily overlooked when you're in the thick of things. But are oh so missed. Waking up next to Levi's sweet face and letting him run to his room to get a "fresh dipe." The morning kitchen routine where we listened to healing frequency music, made smoothies and chatted - he was always sure to remind us about his spoonful of honey, too.
As a parent, you get used to being depended on and navigating your day through the needs of your child - meal time, nap schedules & outings. The mental gymnastics required to meet all of those needs is often exhausting - even without medical circumstances; but when it's gone, you're left with so much white space in your mind.
Making Changes and Moving Forward
In the days following Levi's service, it was challenging to know what to do with ourselves - with our time. How do you navigate the day to day with a new, unfamiliar existence. We took a grief-cation to Greece for a couple of weeks. I was really nervous to leave so soon, but it turned out to be an incredibly healing experience. When we returned home, it was clear trying to get back into a “normal” routine would be impossible. We both felt dread over winter - grief + dark, cold, gloomy days just don’t mix. Within days of being back home, we were connected with a sweet couple looking to rent a furnished home in BHM. After a few discussions with them, we committed to renting our house December - August & taking a leap to move to Mexico.
Everything happened quickly, but with great ease - each aspect of this shift has felt guided by Levi. Anytime we felt worry or fear, the perfect opportunity would arise and remind us how clear this new path is. I found us a couple of house/pet sitting opportunities that have given our travel plans structure and clarity. We are currently at our first housesit in Mexico City. We’ll be here until mid January, then will pick up Bill’s truck in San Diego and begin driving down the Baja Peninsula for our next position. When that ends on Feb 3, we aren’t sure yet where we will go, but feel confident we’ll land in the right place for us to heal and continue on. We’ll put one foot in front of the other, guided by our sweet baby boy.
Vamos a continuar. We are going to continue.
Thanks for being here. Much love.
Emilie
Love you so much, mama. Thank you for always sharing from your heart. If you can get over to El Sargento from April 8-12th, you’ve got a spot at my retreat saved for you ❤️
I sooo appreciate you! Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable. Levi is going to take you both on amazing adventures!